Sheryl Crow: Sweet Child o'Mine (Guns n'Roses)

I know! Why don't we take away that great guitar intro and do an acoustic-led version of a rock classic, complete with country drawl replacing a legendary vocal performance? Better still, why don't we drink this bleach? It doesn't matter how much cash you make, Sher, you just can't buy cred. Although you can clearly sell it...

Michael Bolton: Dock of the Bay (Otis Redding)

Hideous - and for once we don't mean the hair. Get further than "Sittin' in the morn--" and you'll be a man my son. Lighters will have exploded in an attempt not to be held up during this slice of sonic evil. And they'll have been right too.

Macy Gray: Walk This Way (Aerosmith / RUN DMC)

You can see the thinking here. "Yeah, we've got this lady, right? Got one helluva voice on her. Larger than life, yeah? We need to get her up there with a larger-than-life kinna vibe, you know? What's that you say? Airy Smith? Well, okay, ah'll check that out..." Unfortunately he should just have checked out. What's that, Macy? You try to say goodbye and you choke, you try to walk away and you stumble? That's because you've been shot by divine intervention.

Tori Amos: Smells Like Teen Spirit (Nirvana)

Don't believe a word Tori tells you. Life does have bright moments. Some experiences between the cradle and the grave can be enjoyable. Every now and again things go right. It takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to go, "What the f'k is this crock of fetid gut-wrenching elephant dung?" Tori once had a CD recorder removed from her studio because it had a "bad spirit". Sounds like it actually had "teen spirit" but she didn't recognise it.

Westlife: More Than Words (Extreme)

Some us had to live through it first time. Some of us had to sit on stage while vaguely-competent lead guitarists tried to sing it to impress the female contingent in the crowd, most of whom left right away. Its saving grace, though, is that it's not really a love song: it's about trying to persuade a girl that you'll never really know she loves you unless she gets jiggy, and you really need to know so she'd better get on with it. Until Westlife do it, then it's just whiny-whiny vocals.

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